So I’ve been feeling needy lately. The thing is, I don’t even know what it is that I need. I’m not sure if it’s community, entertainment, dopamine… I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing is loneliness or just boredom, or I’m just impatient for not having something.
I think lately I am missing expectation. I’m used to being—I usually am—very goal-oriented, productivity-driven. And just recently, I’ve decided that I need to stop. I need to slow down.
Reflecting on Year One as a Mom
Last year has been my first year as a mom, and this season has challenged me constantly to slow down. But even though I’ve tried to, looking back I can see that I haven’t. I didn’t.
The very first month: Instead of resting, I was practicing. Even though I had my mom next to me, I was eager to practice cooking with her and doing things with her just so that I can practice for when my mom was not gonna be with me anymore. Instead of actually just resting and accepting and taking the help and being with my baby—no, I had to practice because I wanted to be prepared.
And looking back, it made no difference. It just added anxiety, if I’m honest. And the best way to tackle life without my mom was when I didn’t have my mom. That’s just the reality of it.
When I was finally in the groove: In regards to setting up a routine, feeling like “I got this”—instead of enjoying it and coasting, I decided to take on my marketing project and keep working towards either redesigning my website, creating social media content, posting consistently… and with every single free moment I had, I used it to stay productive and busy instead of maybe taking some time to practice self-care or just lift up my legs and take a break.
I’m not sure if it’s habit, if that’s the ADHD kicking in… I digress.
The Pattern of Not Slowing Down
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there were many moments where I could’ve slowed down and I didn’t—not if it was up to me. I only did if I had no other choice, or if I was forced to. Maybe, you know, if my baby was sleeping in my arms and I couldn’t move because she was sleeping in my arms—that’s the only time I would rest.
If I ever had a chance to get up, it was back to hustling, even if there was nothing to hustle about. I don’t know what else to do.
Examining My Motivations
So anyways, I’m not really sure if my drive is money, success, legacy… if it’s seeking other people’s validation, or trying to build something so that I can show to others that I can build something just for the sake of showing it to others.
Maybe even showing my husband: “Look, I can do it. I can be that ambitious woman you married. I can be the woman I’ve always wanted to be that does it all.”
Well, maybe that’s something you build towards and that’s not something that you just become out of the blue, you know? Maybe I haven’t allowed myself that season of transition, of learning to surrender, of developing the different muscles of something new.
Trying Something New This Year
So this year, I’m just trying something new. I’m just gonna be trying to slow down.
I am:
- Lifting up my feet and resting whenever my baby is sleeping
- If I only have some time to do my journaling in the mornings, maybe a devotional
- Finally going to mom groups
It’s just easier now that my baby is bigger or older and my husband can put her to bed. Although looking back, I don’t know why I haven’t done this earlier—he could’ve done it.
I think I’m definitely gonna do things differently with baby number two. I’m going to let him take the baby more often. I mean, unless my hormones act crazy again and I become a mama bear again, but at least that’s what I’m hoping to do.
Building Community
And build community.
I have friends, but I don’t feel they pursue God as intentionally as I do—and not to be holier than thou, but it’s just draining sometimes being the one that pours out constantly. And I do. I am in a season where I am pouring out constantly, and I just cannot do it with other adults.
I need other adults that are also in the same level, or maybe in a higher level, and they can either go in the journey with me or help me out on my own journey.
And the other thing is that I just don’t have the energy or time to be driving far away to meet with people. I just want a village right now. I want people that are close by and that we can meet on short notice and it’s not a 40-minute drive—it’s just 10 minutes.
I’m craving that because that’s what I grew up with. I grew up just walking to my aunt’s house and hanging out with my cousin, and I miss it so much that I don’t want to commute.
Am I being picky and asking for too much? Maybe, I don’t know. But I have found a community close by, so now I’m just putting the work of intentionally making time to meet with them and start nurturing those relationships.
Sitting with the Discomfort
Anyway, so that’s that. I guess all that to say that I’m not really sure why I’m feeling—maybe like my heart’s not satisfied yet—even though I feel like I’m seeking more, putting myself in community, I’m slowing down…
And maybe it’s just that uncomfortableness of change. Of this is not what I’m used to. And I’m gonna need to learn to be OK with it.
I feel like something’s missing, but maybe I just need to learn to sit down with that and be OK with the waiting, with trusting that it’s gonna be OK. That I don’t need to prove things to others. I can just be and live in the moment. And that doesn’t make me less worthy or valuable.
And that I will find that community I’m longing for. I will find enjoyment. And I don’t need to be afraid. I don’t need to feel lost.
Because God is with me. He has found me and He is all I need. And it’s gonna be OK. There’s nothing to fear. He’s got this. He’s got me.
