“The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.” ― Les Brown
Fear has gotten the best of many people, including myself.
One thing about fear is that it sometimes goes unnoticed. Fear is a master in disguise and it can come into our lives as stress, anxiety, skepticism, or maybe even complacency. I could even argue that the root of, if not all, most human’s negative traits or behaviors, stem from fear.
The saddest thing of it all is that just as the quote from Les Brown says, fear has kept people from living up to their full potential. We all have potential, we all have greatness within. It’s in our spiritual DNA. You have untapped potential within you. And, if you are anything like me, unfortunately, fear has gotten the best of you as well. You’re not pursuing what you know, deep down, you should be; or maybe you’ve tried once or twice and failed, and trying again either feels like a waste of time or you’ve simply lost all motivation to keep trying at all.
And because of that, you’re now trapped in a life of complacency. Maybe in a job that you never intended to be in, or where you know you are not being used to the best of your capabilities, where the culture is toxic and you have to put up with a nagging boss. Or maybe in a relationship that you already knew from the very beginning that it was destined to fail, that is leading nowhere, where you are not being met in the middle but rather are finding that you are constantly the only one rowing the boat. Or you keep finding yourself eating a bag of Fruit Loops at 9 pm, eating Doritos for lunch, or having one too many drinks when you go out, because the dopamine of a tasty snack or the numbness that alcohol provides allows you to forget, at least for a couple hours, about how unfulfilled you feel in life.
Does any of this sound familiar?
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging on any of these scenarios. The only reason why I know all of this is because I lived this myself. I lived all of the mentioned examples myself. And a few of them have been more recent than I’d like to admit.
The Trap of Complacency
Fear of failure has left me stagnant for a couple of years, preventing me from pursuing what I want for my life. And what is crazy is that looking back, the only thing that has ever led me to snap out of it was actually facing what I was fearing would happen in the first place. In order to start learning about money, I had to experience being broke. In order to start pursuing only healthy relationships, I had to be abused. In order to start valuing myself as a woman, I had to be cheated on, used and dumped.
And this is what has suddenly hit me: how much longer am I going to wait for my worst nightmare to become true for me to finally start fighting for what I always knew was destined for me?
Fear told me that if I listened to it, I would be safe, I would not have to deal with disappointment and I would increase my odds of a peaceful life.
The truth of the matter is, fear has only led me to live my worst fears.
As Zach Williams sings, fear is a liar.
A quick announcement before we move forward. I have created a printable monthly calendar to keep you on track in your journey towards intentional living. This is not your typical monthly calendar, I’ve added sections to track your daily habits and to write down your goals for accountability as you build towards your dreams and continue in your journey towards purpose-filled living. You can get your free download here.
According to Google: fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Fear is believing that the opposite of what you want is going to happen. That you won’t measure up. That people won’t like you. That you will do a bad job. That it doesn’t get better than this. That your hopes are unrealistic. That you will be disappointed somehow. Taking a risk to only find out any of these things are true would be painful. So we take no risks at all.
What is the opposite of fear? Faith.
What is faith? According to Google: faith is a complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
According to the bible: Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1)
Faith is optimism. Faith is believing that what you are hoping for will actually happen. Faith is a positive outlook in life.
How To Shape Your Reality
What our brains need to understand is that not having faith and expecting to move forward does not align.
People think they can live in default mode and still move forward. To move forward, you need to be in pursuit of something. If you are not pursuing anything, you won’t just stay where you are: the consequence is not stagnation, the consequence is vicious cycles of self-destruction. Just as Newton’s law states: “Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects at rest tend to stay at rest unless an outside force acts upon them.“
If you are not in motion, then you will be subject to external forces that will inevitably push you towards the wrong direction. The reality is that, whether we like to accept it or not, bad things happen to people all the time. It’s not a matter of “if” it will happen, it’s “when” will it happen. Like our pastor stated this weekend at church “You’re either in a storm, coming out of a storm, or heading into a storm”. The market will shift, your roof will need to be fixed, your car will break down, your flight will be canceled, your dog will die.
It’s only a matter of time until you are faced with some unfortunate event that is outside of your control. If there is no faith within you and no positive outlook in life, then you are headed toward a life of bitterness, skepticism, and darkness. And in today’s digital age, it’s not hard to see that many people are, unfortunately, already subject to this.
If you want to get anywhere in life, having faith and developing optimism is no longer optional.
On a brighter side, optimism and having a positive outlook in life will not only keep you away from vicious cycles; there are actually studies upon studies of how optimism can actually increase your odds at success in life. Even early philosophers and recent thought leaders have come to the same conclusion, that whatever you think about, whatever you believe, is what you will experience in life.
Marcus Aurelius stated: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”
“The only boundaries to success are our own boundaries of belief” – Brendon Burchard
The Bible states in Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he”
This is why fear only attracts your worst fears. And if you want opposite results, then you need opposite beliefs: you need faith.
Having Faith After Being Disappointed
How can we strip fear out of our lives?
Let’s first go back to its origins. We don’t become fearful out of nowhere. If we lack confidence (we fear we are not good enough or capable enough), if we lack motivation (we fear we wont achieve, so why try), if we feel paralyzed (we fear we’ll be incapable of sustaining success), it’s because at some point or another, we have been disappointed. Be it early in life or maybe even recently, it is only natural for disappointment to generate fear. Disappointment can be painful and fear is a natural reaction to protect you from feeling that pain again.
But since we are now aware that nothing good comes from living life from a place of fear, what can we do instead? The first thing that has helped me get back up from bad experiences is the understanding that not all pain is bad. And not all disappointment means defeat.
“Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.” – Christine Caine
Just as when you start a new workout and you feel pain the next morning, pain sometimes means that you are in the process of getting stronger. Just as how you need to burry a seed for it to flourish, and just as how diamonds are made from pressure, the pain of disappointment can be used to mold you into the person you are supposed to be in order to -not only achieve- but be able to sustain what you were pursuing in the first place.
Some disappointments in life, whether they could’ve been meant to defeat you, they have the ability to make you stronger. This statement alone is a declaration of faith. You can either believe that what happened was for you to give up, or it was for you to grow stronger. At the end of the day, the choice of what to believe is yours.
And this is how I have just learned I should face any pursuit.
Previously, in any of my quests, the only outcome that was perceived to me as success was reaching the destination. And if I ever fell short, then it was a failure. I would feel disappointed and I would struggle to get back up.
Today, I have learned that the goal is not just to accomplish what I have set my mind to, the goal is also to strengthen my faith and positive outlook despite the reality. If I don’t reach my destination, the disappointment and reality will REQUIRE my faith to be stronger. So, I will believe again, for the same exact pursuit, but now even stronger. And when I do, then the pursuit was worth it.
Now, some may state that we should learn to be content with what we have and be grateful for our current situation, and stop insisting on more. This is partially true. I believe this statement is fear in disguise. Complacency disguised as contentment. Why do I believe that? First of all, because this is exactly what I would preach to myself too. Second of all, because being content doesn’t mean giving up. You can walk towards the top of the mountains while still enjoying your journey there. Just because you are pursuing something and insisting on not giving up, does not mean that you are not content and grateful. This is how God intended for us to face life anyway:
”The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked.” Prov. 24:16 (NLT)
I refuse to be overthrown, it is not aligned with my identity.
Others may think that if something didn’t work out, maybe it was not meant for them. This is a thought I wrestled with as well, while I was single. I had experienced so many heartbreaks that eventually I wondered if perhaps I was meant to stay single. Life is definitely confusing and it can bring you to a point where you wonder if you should continue pursuing something in particular. And I get it, failing time and time again can be disheartening.
There are two things that I have learnt in this scenario:
- Perhaps the problem is not the dream, but the priority you are giving it. Perhaps you need to love yourself more. Perhaps it’s time to prioritize God in your life truly.
- If you cared enough to pursue something specific more than once, more than twice, then it is meant for you. If you’ve pursued it multiple times then it means it is truly a desire in your heart, and if that is the case, then you have a promise you can hold on to:
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart” .
(Psalm 37:4)
Notice that the promise is dependent on the principle of God being your priority. This is something I have experienced firsthand to be true.
My belief is that, no matter how many times you may feel defeated, the right reaction should always be to get back up with stronger faith. And the beautiful thing about this is that, the greater the faith, the greater the outcome. So it’s a win-win either way. As my mentor has taught me:
“Don’t diminish your goals, strengthen your faith” – Yubiris Vedda
When faced with opposition, believe for more and believe for better.
Rational Faith and Action
From a more rational standpoint, belief inevitably produces action.
True faith produces action, this is why even the Bible states that “faith without works is dead”. If there is no action, if you are procrastinating, then your belief of achievement is not strong enough. If this is the case, then instead of addressing the action plan, you might want to address your belief level. When you truly believe, you can’t help but move. Even if you don’t know the right steps, when you are determined and confident to reach a specific destination, you will figure it out.
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
To close this letter, here are some ways you can develop your faith or your positive outlook in life, in no particular order.
- Write down 50 things that you love or like about yourself, or that you are good at, in 10 minutes.
- Belief starts from within. If you don’t believe in yourself, then it means you are waiting for an opportunity to fall on your lap (since deep down you don’t think you can achieve it yourself). And even if it does fall on your lap, you know you won’t be able to sustain it. You need to develop your belief in yourself.
- 10 minutes should be more than enough time for you to write down 50 positive things about yourself. If you are struggling to finish within 10 minutes, then prioritize finishing the list (even if it takes you more than that) and read it daily.
- Write 50 things that you are grateful for in 10 minutes
- Gratitude is recognizing the good in our lives. If you are unable to see in which ways you have already been blessed, then it means that your outlook is mostly negative. In order to believe for good, you need to be able to perceive good, and you can start by recognizing what is already good in your life today.
- Just as the exercise above, 10 minutes should be more than enough time for you to write down 50 positive things in your life. If you are unable to, make it a priority to have this as a running list until it becomes second nature to see goodness around you.
- Train your mind to believe good WILL happen in your life. The best way I can help with this is to engrave in your mind that these are promises that have been written thousands of years ago, that you can hold on to. Here are some to get you started:
- “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Rom 8:28 NLT)
- “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NLT)
- “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Eph. 3:20)
- “Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.” (Prov. 16:3)
I’m not sure where in your journey you are right now. If you currently have dreams or if life has buried them. If they are buried, may this be living water that activates growth and helps you bring your dreams to fruition. May you achieve what you were dreaming of and live a life of fulfillment, a life of significance, a life of passion. A life of meaning, of legacy, of impact. A life that inspires others, but above all, a life that leads others to Christ.
