Self-love is not a new concept in this day and age. We see it all over social media—posts and quotes on loving yourself, people practicing self-care, showcasing their self-pampering because ‘I am worth it!’—and a lot of self-help gurus talk about this. Even beyond that, my understanding is that self-love, in general, is encouraged in psychology, and you may even hear about it in churches all over the Western world.
I don’t particularly have a strong opinion against this movement, but I have struggled with it. I’ve meditated on this concept, gotten into rabbit holes, and prayed about it a ton because, honestly, as amazing as it looks and sounds, it didn’t entirely sit well with me.
So I thought we could dive into this today. My mentor used to say, ‘A confused mind cannot move forward,’ so if you’re here because you have been struggling with the idea of loving yourself, or maybe you don’t know how to get there in a healthy way that does not lead to self-centeredness, hopefully, this post will help you remove those obstacles so you can get unstuck in this particular area and keep moving forward.
Wrestling with Confusion
Although I don’t believe we should let our emotions lead our lives—after all, the heart is deceitful—I do think it is important to acknowledge them and try to find the root cause of each emotion, particularly the negative ones. From there, even though your emotions are valid, by exploring the root cause of these emotions, you can determine if they are based on truth or if they are based on lies, and with that, you can determine if these emotions are actually serving you or not.
So the first emotion I felt with the concept of self-love was confusion. My immediate reaction after being preached that I needed to learn to love myself was questioning: ‘Isn’t that selfish?’
I don’t know about you, but I have been raised under Christian values and an understanding that some things are good and some things are bad. Some things come from God, and some things come from the devil. So I don’t want to follow the teachings of the world; I want to follow what God teaches.
The concept of self-love made sense to me, though. ‘If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will,’ they say. I have experienced this; when I didn’t value myself as a woman, I was constantly rejected, and no one found me attractive. When I didn’t value what I had to bring to the table, I would always end up in relationships where what I brought to the table was not valued (I was cheated on, dumped, and used).
When I didn’t value the work that I did, my bosses didn’t value it either. Nothing I did was ever good enough. My ‘extra mile’ would always become the new expectation, and I would always find myself bending backward for my work, taking my work home, and just always being drained and anxious about it.
When I started loving myself, suddenly I became a catch; I was desirable, I felt confident enough to choose rather than hoping to be chosen. This became true in relationships and also my professional life. As soon as I would get distracted and fall into my non-self-loving tendencies, I would find myself again in situations where I was unvalued.
As I’ve shared in my post on people-pleasing, I’ve been subject to attracting toxic people in my life, and as I learned about the concept of setting boundaries to break free from this, I also learned about the concept of self-love. I would encourage you to go to that post after this one and check it out if you haven’t done so yet, especially if the reason why you are pursuing self-love has to do with toxic relationships and maybe even emotional abuse.
Reconciling Self-Love with Christianity
In a quest to break free from my confusion, because the concept of self-love made so much sense to me, I established the goal to find a way to reconcile the concept of self-love with my Christian beliefs and my concerns with selfishness. And I was initially able to when I came across the following passage:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these (Mark 12:30-31)
With this passage, I extracted the idea that in order to love my neighbor, I need to love myself.
In all honesty, I may not have even extracted this idea myself, but I believe this is the passage many preachers use to make peace with the concept of self-love. It’s possible I heard this during a replay of a sermon on YouTube.
With that green flag, I decided to pursue self-love and some of its practices. I started telling myself ‘I am perfect the way I am’, ‘I am good enough’, ‘I am worthy’, and so on. I started creating some self-care rituals like working out or painting my nails, with the mindset that I was doing something nice for myself. I started focusing on how I could live my best life, achieve my goals, and be happy. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find some level of healing, or perhaps comfort, in doing this.
I think I undervalued myself so much for so long, unknowingly, that this new concept gave me a lot of hope. I felt like learning to love myself would be the solution to all my problems, and perhaps you feel the same way too. Maybe that’s why you’re here?
It’s only natural to seek happiness. And learning to love yourself does create some level of happiness. As I’ve shared before, we can’t pour out of empty cups, and we need to learn to fill ourselves up.
Learning to fill my own cup and, in a way, reject the idea of seeking fulfillment through people’s acceptance, helped me cut ties with people, specifically men, who only wanted to use me. I realized that I was worth more, that my desires and wants were valuable, and that I was worthy of love.
I also cut ties with people who ‘used’ me for fun and entertainment. What do I mean by this? There was a specific group of people who didn’t really care about me; they only cared about having a group of people around to get drunk with and go to parties. But they didn’t care enough to hang out during quieter times and get to know and care for each other on a different level. For all I knew, I could fall off the face of the earth, and they would just say, “Oh man!” and quickly move on with their lives.
So I cut ties with them, not super intentionally, but when you go into a journey of growth and intentional living, you will find that some people will start thinking that you are boring and might not want to hang out with you anymore. They might even question your choices, and claim that ‘you’ve changed’ (which is true, growth is also change, but they might paint it in a negative light), and honestly, I realized I didn’t need that energy around me either.
The Pitfalls of Excessive Self-Love
As I delve deeper into pursuing what is best for me, repeating and reminding myself that I am worth it, that I deserve love and good things in my life, and insisting on proving this to myself through action, I started getting defensive with anyone who would get in the way. I’d get defensive if someone disagreed with me; I would get offended if they tried to give me advice or feedback, or if they behaved toward me in any way that I disliked or that made me uncomfortable.
As we go through life, we will experience things that cause us pain and make us uncomfortable, and when we are focusing on ourselves for the sake of self-love, we may try to avoid that pain with defensiveness and even entitlement. The reality is that the world is filled with variety, and we will meet people with different perspectives, and different love languages, and these differences can sometimes cause division, which is uncomfortable and sometimes even painful. So we guard ourselves.
Although I have learned that ill-intended people do exist, I do believe that most of us don’t fall into that category. And so, with all of this awareness of the reality we live in, and after eventually losing a lot of friends and ruining many relationships, I did find myself wondering if this pursuit of self-love was truly the answer to my problems, or had become the root cause of new problems.
Going back to the passage of Mark ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ I find that it is very hard to love your neighbor when you’re focused on loving yourself. Your neighbor will be just as broken as you are. They will most likely hurt or offend you, or not reciprocate at the level you expect. Yet, from a Christian perspective, you will still be expected to love them.
When walking the path of self-love, I believe that sooner or later, that initial rejection or confusion you felt towards the idea—that perhaps it is selfish to love yourself—as much as the world shouts that it is not selfish and it is self-preservation, you will eventually find out that that original gut feeling you felt was actually true.
People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. (2 Timothy 3:2)
I think it’s not hard to see that the movement of self-love is slowly heading in this direction.
Redefining Self-Love Through Spiritual Lens
It’s challenging because, at least for me, I know Christ wants me to be confident. How am I ever going to preach His word with boldness if I’m not confident? And how can I achieve confidence if I don’t love myself?
But then, if I love myself too much, wouldn’t that be prideful also? Where does loving myself end and loving others begin? Where is the line?
This is something I learned from a sermon of Francis Chan: something important to understand is that we are not called to neither love nor hate ourselves, we are called to deny ourselves. The Word says ‘love your neighbor as yourself,’ not to instruct you to love yourself so you can love your neighbor better, but because as humans we are all naturally self-centered. So just as much as you already love yourself, try loving your neighbor.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church. (Ephesians 5:28-29)
We already love ourselves, that’s why we feed ourselves, why we stay in our own comfort zones, or why we even try to be better, because we already care about ourselves and our lives. So there is really no denying that we already love ourselves. That’s why the instruction was twofold and it had one instruction as more important than the other. We are called to love God first, and then love our neighbor as ourselves.
The reason I believe we experience relational issues, both with self and with others, is not because we don’t love ourselves, but because we don’t have enough love within. Although they might sound similar, it is not the same. The first automatically implies that we are to fill ourselves with our own love, ‘we need to love ourselves’, and the second opens up to the option that perhaps we were not meant to fill ourselves up with our love, which is finite and imperfect, but we are called to let ourselves be filled with God’s love until it overflows onto others.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8)
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7-21)
To be filled with love, we need to be filled with God, for God is love. In order to love, we must know God.
Therefore, the first step is to draw near to God. And rest assured, if you seek Him, you will find Him. If you’re unsure where to begin, I strongly encourage you to seek out a Bible-based church where you can access resources, community, and accountability on your journey.
Partnering with God through Self-Appreciation
Now, returning to the topic of self-love. Assuming you’re already drawing near to God and embracing His love, you can also partner with Him in this pursuit.
I firmly believe that we can reconcile the concept of self-love with the understanding that as we learn to love God, we also learn to love His creation, and that includes ourselves. However, we’re not called to self-indulgence. If there is a wound in your heart, perhaps you hate yourself, then there is a certain level of understanding of God’s truth that might help you find healing. Here’s the thing: while God didn’t explicitly command us to love ourselves, neither did He command us to hate ourselves. Instead, He instructed us to deny ourselves for Him.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and be following Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. (Matthew 16:24-25)
So we actually remove all focus from the self, and focus on Him instead. And by focusing on Him, we can find healing and a healthy way to “love ourselves”.
This is how this looks like from a practical perspective:
First, we need to acknowledge and internalize that all good things that we are or have is either a manifestation of being made in God’s image or is an expression of God’s presence in us.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)
For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (Philippians 2:13)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
When I do something kind, I can observe it and understand that it is not me who is being kind, but rather Christ working through me. With this realization, I can say, ‘Wow! God, thank you for producing kindness in my heart. I love that!’ Similarly, when you look in the mirror and think you look pretty, you can say, ‘Wow! God, thank you for making me in Your image.’
Our focus should not be on loving ourselves, but rather on loving God and His creation.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-16)
The essence lies not in becoming obsessed with ourselves, but rather in becoming obsessed with God—His magnificence and the craftsmanship of His creation. By recognizing the good within us, we can offer praise and thanksgiving to Him.
Praising God and the work of His hands is a fundamental aspect of our calling. Your soul was made to worship Him; which is why we find joy in acknowledging our positive attributes because in a sense, that is an act of praise to God’s creation.
We are called to thank Him for His work in our lives, and for what He is doing through us. This is exemplified by the existence of a whole book in the Bible dedicated to praising God and all He does in the world and in us, found in the Psalms.
In light of this, it’s essential to dedicate time and effort to recognize the work that God has done and is currently doing within you. You need to learn to value what God has deposited in you—your gifts and talents. They should not be taken for granted; rather, they should be seen as holy, a special gift from heaven that should be treasured. Therefore, as an act of reverence rather than entitlement, you can set, for example, healthy boundaries that do not stem from a sense of pridefulness but rather from a desire to honor God.
Recognizing that God has entrusted us with beauty and blessings, we are called to be faithful stewards of these gifts. However, you can only be a good steward when you genuinely appreciate what He has entrusted you with.
Embracing Your Imperfections
What about the things we hate about ourselves? First of all, it’s crucial to understand that hate does not originate from God. So the first thing to do is to stop ruminating in that feeling and continue giving it space. For instance, if you find yourself thinking, “I hate that I’m so ugly!”, the first action you need to take is to stop entertaining that thought and instead, bring it captive to the word of God. To accomplish this, exposure to the word of God is necessary, as without knowledge of the truth, it becomes challenging to dismantle the lie. That’s why I suggested that a good start is to start going to a Bible-based church.
So you confront the lie with God’s truth. The truth is that God declares we are made in His image, that we are a wonderful creation, and that although we live in the world, we are not to conform to its standards of beauty for this season. Instead, we are to put our eyes on God.
I once heard a sermon by, I believe it was Andy Stanley addressing a group of high schoolers, though I may be mistaken. At the beginning of his sermon, he held a pencil in his hand and displayed it to the students. Then, he inquired, “What is this in my hand?” The students promptly responded, “A pencil.” He followed up with, “What is it used for?” To which they replied, “To write.” After a brief pause, the pastor asserted, “This is not a pencil! This is a scratcher, and you use it to scratch yourself,” and he began to scratch his head with it. The students laughed. “What’s so funny? Why are you laughing?” They continued giggling until finally, one of them exclaimed, “That’s not a scratcher; it’s a pencil.” The pastor replied, “But I say it’s a scratcher, and I’m using it to scratch myself, so it’s a scratcher.” They rebutted, “No, it’s not.” “Why not?” he finally asked. Through various responses, they all basically responded, “That’s not what it was created for.” Thus, the lesson was revealed: It doesn’t matter what you or others say you are or are made to be; the only one who has the authority to define this is your Creator. Your Creator says that you are His masterpiece, that you are altogether beautiful, that you are holy, chosen, and loved.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (Sol. 4:7)
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10)
What if I have sinful habits? You may ask…
Perhaps you struggle with being super lazy, as an example. Firstly, you can seek forgiveness, as there is mercy to be found on the other side of confession. Secondly, you need to understand that this laziness does not define your true identity. Your identity is that of someone diligent. Remember, you were made in the image of God, and when you are born again, Christ dwells in you and redeems you. However, you still live in a sinful body in a broken world, and there will always be a fight between your spirit and your flesh (I also discuss this in my post on People-pleasing). So instead of focusing on how bad your laziness is, simply ask for forgiveness and then refocus your attention on God.
Shift your focus towards strengthening your spirit by drawing closer to Him. Remind your body that you were made in God’s image, and ask God to complete the work He has begun in you. Surrender that area of struggle to Him. You are not called to dwell on all the ways you suck. Rather, you are called to seek forgiveness, ask for help, do your best—which may still be imperfect—and then let God do the rest. You were not meant to navigate this journey alone; if you were, then why would you even need God in the first place?
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
Beyond that, go back to praising God and His creation and back to focusing on all that is good within you.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
Some more practical ways to practice “self-love”, which I learned from my mentor:
- Create a list of 50 things that you love or appreciate about yourself, including your achievements. You can begin with simple accomplishments like ‘graduating from high school’ or even something as small as ‘having cute fingernails.’ Start small and don’t over think it. The key is to recognize them as gifts from God: talents He has given you, skills and virtues He has poured through you, and attributes that are the result of the work of His hands.
- Write a list of 50 things about yourself, both positive and negative, and simply accept them as they are. What makes you uniquely “you”? It could be your sense of humor, or perhaps your grumpiness in the mornings. Maybe you love pizza but hate celery. Include random facts about yourself, and as you compile the list, remind yourself that you are both a masterpiece and a work in progress. Your quirks are what make you unique and beautiful, and your flaws are opportunities for God to work in you. Simply observe them, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself: that it’s okay. It was meant to be this way. Our lives are meant to be a testament to God’s grace; you don’t need to be perfect because God loves to demonstrate His power through our imperfections. As our pastor at church often says, your mess is just a platform for your miracle.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 26:31)
Final Thoughts
In summary, while the practices of self-love may offer some benefits in the natural realm, ultimately, they do not fully align with the truth of God. This is why we can easily start to see self-love turning into self-centeredness and entitlement, maybe even jealousy, and intolerance. We were not designed to be filled by our own imperfect and finite love; rather, we were meant to be filled by God alone, who is Love, and is infinite. He has the capacity to fill us to overflowing with love for others. We can experience His fullness by drawing closer to Him and partnering with Him in healing our inner brokenness. This involves praising Him and His creation, which includes ourselves, the gifts and talents He has given us, our unique features and quirks that make us His masterpiece, and even our flaws, which position us to witness His mighty hand at work within us.
And that’s all I have for you, my friend. I know this perspective might seem unconventional, but my ADHD brain couldn’t fully accept the concept of ‘self-love’ without considering the numerous thoughts and questions it raised. I genuinely hope you find this useful and that it brings you peace, and a healthy approach to filling your own cup with love –but the kind of love that comes from above ❤️.
