Dreaming big is painful to me.
My mentor just left me as homework to create a vision board for my life. One that includes short, mid, and long term goals. As I’ve shared in my previous post, I’m no stranger to goal setting. Because of that, I am also familiar with failing to achieve them.
I have created vision boards in the past, my mentor had also taught me to dream big and put those big goals in my board. I have dreamt big and created goals that “stretch” me. That’s actually a thing. It’s a goal setting method and that is literally what they are called: “Stretch goals”.
Ambitious Goal Setting
Stretch goals are ambitious targets that go beyond what you currently believe is achievable. They typically push people outside their comfort zones. These big goals are made to help you try your absolute best and think in new and creative ways to reach them, even if it feels a bit uncomfortable or tough at first.
For example, I could have the goal of starting a small business, maybe a side hustle, and make my first $20K by the end of the year. If that already sounds achievable to me, then I should stretch it some more, and make it $60K. So you push yourself and work hard towards those $60K. At the end of the year, maybe you make $40K. You didn’t reach the goal of making $60K, but you ended up making more than what your original goal was, so it’s still a win. This might work for most people, but it didn’t work for me.
The Struggle with ‘Stretch Goals’
I’ve repeatedly attempted setting ‘stretch goals.’ However, more often than not, I failed to achieve them.
Not sure if it’s my rebelious personality, but I have two issues with this approach. First, I would take the “stretch goal” seriously, I may be too black and white but I just don’t have the personality of going halfsies. In the example I shared above, even if I achieved $40K, I would still feel like I failed because I didn’t make the $60K I set my mind to. But, typically, what would happen is that I would get overwhelmed by the $60K. Subconsiously, I would wonder “How on earth am I going to achieve that?! Where do I start? It feels impossible and unrealistic, I can’t make that work!” These thoughts would paralize me and I would easily fall into procrastination and then achieve $0. An even bigger failure.
This embarrassed me, especially because I tend to enthusiastically share my goals with others. As a result, even today, I often feel like a failure. Reflecting on these experiences, I find that whenever I think about creating ambitious goals, I’m reminded of the dreams I’ve had over the last 10 years that I have yet to accomplish.
ADHD and Goal Setting
I refuse to root my identity in a diagnosis, but I do wonder if any of this is related to my recently diagnosed ADHD. When I first was diagnosed, I got into hyper-focus mode with the subject. I wanted to learn all about ADHD brains, what are our challenges and shortcomings. “I don’t want you to use this as a crutch” my husband would express to me, concerned that I would no longer try to be mindful about closing the cabinets and drawers after opening them to grab stuff, now that I had the perfect excuse. “I’m not!” I would bark back at him.
I wasn’t lying. Sure, I have ADHD but that doesn’t scratch the fact that I am still an over achieving, ambitious, fiesty, competitive latina. I just wanted to learn my shortcomings to understand what I am working with here. If I don’t understand how to drive my car, how am I gonna get anywhere?
With that said, when it comes to goal setting this is what I have discovered: ADHD causes impaired executive function due to a lack of dopamine in the brain. Executive function controls focus, self-motivation, emotional regulation, and the ability to organize thoughts and exert effort.1
If you think about it, that doesn’t blend well with the concept of “stretch goals”:
- Focus: pursuing stretch goals often requires sustained attention and consistent effort over an extended period. People with ADHD typically struggle to maintain the necessary focus due to the dopamine-related challenges in attention regulation.
- Self- motivation: dopamine plays a vital role in motivation. ADHD brain’s reward system might not respond as strongly to delayed or abstract rewards, making it harder to stay motivated for long-term goals that require prolonged effort without immediate rewards.
- Emotional Regulation: constantly falling short of reaching stretch goals can negatively impact self-esteem and lead to feelings of failure or inadequacy that people with ADHD might have a hard time regulating.
- Ability to organize: people with ADHD tend to struggle with managing time. Because of that, challenging goals can overwhelm them, making the goal seem unattainable and leading to frustration.
In the US alone, 2.62% of the population is estimated to have ADHD2, so even with as much content as we are seeing nowadays about people with ADHD in tiktok and how it now seems like “everyone has ADHD”, in reality, we’re still a minority. And I wonder if our current goal-setting tactics are not really neuro-divergent friendly.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not an expecting the world to adapt to my neuro-divergent challenges: I am totally against making the world adapt to my personal shortcomings. But I do think that having tools to function in the real world would be helpful. Just as there are tools and strategies to goal setting for the neuro-typical folks, why not encourage some others that fit our own brains better?
The ‘BE, DO, HAVE’ Philosophy
With that said, I find that doing the opposite is better. I’d rather focus on smaller goals rather than bigger ones. And instead of focusing on achievement when goal-setting, I find it easier (more doable = more action!) to focus on who I need to become. Thankfully, this concept is not new so no need to reinvent the wheel.
This concept was taught by Zig Ziglar and it is the “BE, DO, HAVE” philosophy.
This philosophy basically states that we often “live life backwards”. Most people first strive to have something (more money, a fit body, a boyfriend) so that they can do what’s important to them (travel more, look thin, love someone), which will then finally enable them to be something (happy, attractive, fulfilled).
The phylosophy states that we have it backwards. We should first BE, then DO in order to HAVE.
“You’ve got to be before you can do, and do before you can have.” – Zig Ziglar
BE ➡️ DO ➡️ HAVE
With that perspective, your first focus should be on what are you going to do today to “BE” the right kind of person? What specific character quality or skill are you going to work on? What are you going to listen to or read?
This is also related to the biblical principle of “Faithful in little, faithful in plenty” (Luke 16:10)
You need to learn to BE happy today, feel attractive today, be fulfilled today.
If you think about it, it all actually roots down to gratitude. If you learn to appreciate what you already have, you will be happy. If you learn to appreciate that qualities and traits you already possess, you will feel more attractive. If you learn to pour your love to the people you already have in your life (or volunteer) you will feel fulfilled.
A happy, grateful person naturally attracts more opportunities to make money. A person that genuinley loves themselves, naturally finds ways to care for themselves and their bodies. A fulfilled, whole person, is more emotionally ready to find a lifetime partner.
Purpose Oriented ‘DO-ing’
Once we have the BE-ing covered, we can keep moving forward with doing.
I personally find it motivating to focus on continuing to do things that will make me the kind of person that has what I want.
What kind of person makes money? Disciplined people, financially savvy people, smart people. What can I DO to be the kind of person that makes money? What can I do to be more disciplined, more financially savvy and more intelligent? I can start working out, I can start budget or learn to invest, I can start reading more.
What kind of person has a fit body? Informed people, healthy people, disciplined people. What can I DO to be the kind of person that has a fit body? What can I do to be more informed, healthier and more disciplined? I can learn more about my body, I can start eating cleaner, I can start working out.
You get the picture.
You are not looking for perfection, but rather for intentional, incremental changes on the road to “BE” the person you want to become. And as you become that person, you position yourself to increase the odds of achieving what you wanted to achieve originally.
Starting Small: The Power of 10 minutes
Another thing I keep in mind when DOing, is that I meet myself where I am at. Take working out as an example. There are specific workouts that promote fat burn and muscle toning. Unfortunately, I have a historic record of not being consistent with them. But, with this new mindset, I am no longer working out with the purpose of being fit, I am working out with the purpose of developing discipline.
To develop discipline, I can start by being consistent. I need to find a workout that I can sustain in the long term. So that’s what I am doing right now. I am starting small, with something that I can sustain, which is why my current goal is to work out every day for 10 minutes.
In general, my focus right now is to spend just 10 minutes doing something that will help me BE who I want to become. Starting with just 10 minutes makes it easier to get going and stick with anything, here’s why:
- It’s easier to get started: When you begin with only 10 minutes, it doesn’t feel like too much.
- Doing it every day is manageable: Because it’s such a short time, it’s easier to fit in even with busy schedules.
- Your brain gets used to it: After a while, your brain creates a habit and it is no longer a struggle to get started.
- Small steps matter: Small steps let you focus more on doing it regularly than doing it perfectly. As it becomes a habit, you can slowly make it longer or more challenging.
- It motivates you to keep going: Doing something small each day creates a sense of achievement. This creates dopamine which motivates you to keep going.
With that in mind, I am now attempting to work out 10 minutes a day, read 10 minutes a day, and study 10 minutes a day. It may sound like not much, but my former reality was not doing anything at all because it all felt too challenging. So far, I’ve been succeeding 🙂
Final thoughts
I think in general, it’s good to look at the big picture. Sometimes we get so laser focused on building something great that we start getting distracted in our pursuit of personal growth. If you have great goals, you need to become great yourself in order to sustain it. God forbid He gives you everything you dream when you weren’t ready yet. Can you imagine meeting the love of your life, when you still haven’t gotten rid of some of your toxic traits? You would lose him after 4 months of dating!
Personal growth is foundational for the journey towards achieving goals. There is value in understanding oneself, adapting your strategy if it doesn’t work for you, and being patient throughout the process. So may these lessons also help you grow and may this self reflection encourage you to also reflect on your own approach to goal-setting. And who knows, maybe the ‘BE, DO, HAVE’ philosophy is the reframing you needed as well.
What are your thoughts? Share your experiences with goal-setting strategies in the comments and let me know if you’ll give the ‘BE, DO, HAVE’ philosophy a try!
