Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

Hi, my name is Vivi and I am a people pleaser.

Or, I should say, a recovering people pleaser.

I came across this term a few years ago, and the recovery has definitely been longer than I hoped.

Breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies isn’t something that happens overnight. One significant reason for this, I believe, is that many of these tendencies are rooted in identity. We often confuse our behaviors with virtues—wanting to be kind, generous, understanding, compassionate, and non-judgmental (we love giving people the benefit of the doubt). And if you are anything like me, then you obviously want to keep those virtues as a part of who you are. So it might make you wonder: what’s wrong with wanting to please people anyway? After all, aren’t we called to love God and love people?

So, what’s the issue with being a people pleaser? Why is it wrong, and why should we even bother changing?

Personally, I would summarize it with this statement: people-pleasing will keep you and the people you are trying to serve from reaching your full potential.

The Unconscious Journey into People-Pleasing

Understanding my motivation behind this behavior has been challenging, to say the least. It takes a certain level of self-awareness and self-accountability to, first, wrap your head around the concept of people pleasing and its consequences and, then, admit that you may be one.

When I hear the term people-pleaser, I equate it to someone who wants to be liked by everybody. So, if it were entirely true that I am, in fact, a people pleaser, then I wouldn’t be putting myself out on the internet, would I? The case is not that I suddenly broke free from people pleasing and that’s why I am sharing stuff online now either. In fact. I’ve been doing this on and off for over 10 years already and I didn’t really care if people liked me or not.

So, there’s no way I could be a people pleaser, is there?

Although some people pleasers may want to be liked by everybody, I’ve come to discover this is not a specific trait for all. In my case, (and perhaps in yours too) I didn’t really care if strangers didn’t like me. What I did care about was to be liked by the people I interacted with…

Now we’re getting closer.

Perhaps you’re similar to me, you might be a person who dislikes conflict or drama. You prefer levity; you don’t pick fights, and you also don’t like disappointing people or offending them. These are all good things.

On the darker side though, you might’ve also found yourself wondering if you’re a good wife, a good daughter, a good mother, a good employee, a good sister, or a good friend. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself, that is probably why you are here. And if I didn’t believe that to be a worthy pursuit, then I wouldn’t be writing about it.

And yes, that’s exactly the reason why I suddenly decided I am done with people pleasing and I am developing more and more conviction with the fact that this will no longer be a part of who I am because I am genuinely just tired, and exhausted of finding myself in places that simply suck the life out of me, is not letting me be that best version of myself and keeps enabling people around me to behave in their worst selves. And who knows, perhaps you’re in the same boat too.

See, people-pleasing has slowly been chipping away at parts of who I am. Like a virus, it’s a behavior that infiltrates your life progressively, often without you even realizing it. It sneaks in unnoticed; initially, it might manifest as a small, anxious reaction when someone disagrees with what you said or did; maybe your heart starts pounding a little bit stronger or faster. Then, it rationalizes with you when something doesn’t quite feel right, convincing you that maybe you’re in your head and everything is actually okay. Soon enough, it has you saying yes to things you didn’t truly want to be a part of.

Before you know it, you find yourself tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep because you’re unsure of where you stand in a particular situation. Eventually, it robs you of your joy, maybe even leaving you in tears at night due to stress or hopelessness because people don’t respect you or even mistreat you. You may even question if you’ve gone crazy, that maybe you deserve it, or perhaps you become bitter, resentful, or impatient, and now you are struggling to understand why your personality is suddenly changing.

You can’t fully recognize yourself or what you stand for. What happened?

From an ex-boss thinking that it was okay to touch my butt and then get mad because I said something; to a close friend thinking it is okay to call me a bad friend and a sad Christian when I set my first boundary. Here is what I learned about people-pleasing: you can’t EVER fully please people, they will always want more, and push your boundaries further and further and if you ever stand firm on one, you will be crucified for it.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. – Unknown

Genuine Concern or Selfishness?

We might think that practicing virtues like kindness, generosity, and understanding will lead to people finding common ground with you and, in consequence, they will like and respect you. I must admit that most of my people-pleasing has been in the workplace. I’d bend over backwards hoping employers would see my hard work and give me a gold star. Many times it wasn’t even about the money, it was just to be appreciated, to feel like I made a difference, and in a sense, to find some sense of fulfillment. All decent pursuits.

Unfortunately, I have found time and time again that practicing kindness, generosity, and understanding without boundaries, would lead people to take advantage of me, disrespect me, and eventually, dislike me when I decided I had enough.

They say people-pleasing is driven by a selfish desire to be liked, and it’s not hard to see. The idea is, that even if you believe you’re being kind or helpful, deep down, the real motive is seeking acceptance and approval. But the thing is that, at its core, the human desire to be liked is universal, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be loved—it’s part of our nature. We were created exactly for that.

I don’t think that people-pleasers are selfish for wanting to be loved. If that is the case then everyone in the world is selfish. That’s why I don’t think addressing people-pleasing tendencies requires for you to focus on removing the “selfishness” within you. That thought process is what, most times, leads people-pleasers to continue to be disrespected, walked all over, manipulated, or even abused. They don’t endure that for their own sake, they endure for the sake of others.

While labeling people-pleasing as entirely selfish holds some truth, it’s not the whole story.

When I was being mentally abused by another ex-boss (unknowingly), my thought process to stick around wasn’t “I’ll just let her walk all over me so she can love me” or “I’ll let her yell at me so I can get a big bonus”. My thought process was “Perhaps she is right, I am not creative and that’s why she got mad”, my thought process was “Maybe her mom yelled at her and that’s all she knows. Maybe having someone around that cares will help her heal”.

When I was being guilt-tripped by a close friend, my thought process was not “I’ll do everything my friend wants me to because I want her to like me”. My thought process was “My friend has gone through a bad situation and needs support, she is my friend and I want to help her”.

Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. -Henry Ford

The Cost of Dysfunctional Relationships

When you are a people-pleaser, although you will meet all sorts of people (including good people), you also become subject to attracting toxic people in your life. You will be prone to be walked all over, be gaslit, be taken advantage of. The reality is that we live in a broken world and there are just really sucky people out there. Some are ill-intended, and some are not: some may just be mentally unstable. But, just like toddlers, those kinds of people tend to hold on to whoever will put up with their misbehavior.

Now, what about sticking around those who are not ill-intending, but maybe just a little broken?

I’m not saying those kinds of people should not have anyone in their lives and die alone, but I am saying that you might not be the kind of person that can actually help them, unless you grow -which we will talk about later.

If you remain a people pleaser and continue in relationships with this kind of people, you will eventually start believing that dysfunction is normal. Who knows, maybe right now you are in a toxic relationship already, you are already being manipulated, but you’ve grown so accustomed to it that you don’t even know it. You think being guilt-tripped is the same as being held accountable; you think when someone manipulates you by playing the victim they are just being vulnerable; that people that are constantly putting you down just want you to be better and that feeling constantly anxious because you might’ve made someone mad unintentionally is normal.

Let me break it down to you: healthy relationships don’t manipulate, they don’t tear you down, and, in general, they are not drama filled and they don’t leave you with crippling anxiety before, during, or after every interaction.

When you remain in dysfunctional relationships, not only will you not be able to grow and reach your full potential, but you will start regressing. As I mentioned, no matter where it starts –whether it’s a toxic boss, a toxic boyfriend, or a toxic friend, this toxicity is like a virus. As mentioned, some people will always push boundaries and will never be satisfied, nothing you do will ever be enough, and by continuing to surround yourself with that belief system, it will soon infect your own. Then you will start believing “Perhaps they are right, I am not good enough, I am not understanding enough, I am not flexible enough, I am not loving enough, I am not kind enough”. When in reality, you have already been giving your best. And that is enough.

Can you grow? Can you be a better person? Of course! We all can. But you cannot pour out of an empty cup. And if you are pouring out because you are believing you are not doing or being “enough” then your cup is most likely empty.

Overcoming the Fear Of Displeasing Others

With that in mind, you can even fall into the trap of pouring out of an empty cup with non-toxic people. You might do it with people who, like you and I, are just imperfect. I know I’ve fallen into that too.

Something we need to understand is that it is human nature to push boundaries. I learned this when I worked with children. I realized that the same child would behave well with one adult, and make a riot with another. The difference? One adult set boundaries and stuck with them, the other didn’t. No one teaches children to test boundaries, they just do.

There is truth in the statement “Give someone a hand and they take the whole arm”. The thing is that when people hear this they then conclude to just stop giving a hand, which obviously won’t sit well with people-pleasers like you and I. We want to be good. Even as a Christian, I will obviously choose to give a hand. So here’s the thing, the problem is not giving someone a hand, the problem is being unable to say “No sir, my hand is good enough and you cannot take my arm”; OR “No sir, if my hand is not enough then I can’t help you”.

Similarly, another thing about human nature is that nothing in the world will ever fully satisfy us. Not only because we were created to solely be satisfied by God, someone who is infinite (which is also He says that when we encounter Him we will no longer thirst because He is living water), but also because humans are adaptable. This is both good and bad. If you get in an accident, and God forbid, become disabled, that would be shocking and horrible, but as a human, you would have the amazing ability to adapt to that new reality and learn how to carry on living life. This is true as well but in a negative way. Once you obtain a specific object that you desire, something you really longed for, you might be satisfied for a season, but you will eventually grow accustomed to it and you won’t be fully satisfied by it anymore.

Just think about the greatest loves in our lives: your partner, your kids, your parents. Maybe at the beginning, their love filled your heart completely and you found no flaw in them, but later on, you will find flaws, you will get annoyed, they will no longer fully satisfy you, and you will always be searching for more.

A particular experience that comes to mind is one time my mom was coming over to my house to visit me. I asked her to let me know the expected time of her arrival so I could plan my day accordingly. She mentioned that she wasn’t sure yet or something along those lines. As the date approached, I inquired again because the lack of coordination was becoming frustrating. Eventually, she reassured me not to worry and suggested we play it by ear.

So that morning I woke up, did some errands, and began my workout. While I was in the middle of exercising, I received a text from my mom saying “I am here, I’m at the bus station, can you pick me up?”

I was conflicted at that moment. Despite my frustration, I recalled asking her multiple times for an estimated arrival time. And so I replied, “I can’t pick you up right now; I’m in the middle of my workout”. But honestly, as I was doing that I felt guilty as I considered the situation. “How could you not pick up your mom? That’s the least you could do.” Yet, I realized that I had tried to coordinate with her, and her expectations were not fair or considerate. Despite being my mother, I understood the importance of establishing realistic and fair expectations.

And knowing my mom, I knew she was going to be upset by my response. And she was. She was sad, she felt offended and unvalued. And that’s when suddenly I felt the Holy Spirit whispering to my ears: “You will never fully please her. Only I can do that.” With this realization, a weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt peace.

Despite the discomfort, not succumbing to guilt allowed for a conversation and mutual understanding with my mom. It helped me to set a healthy boundary with her, leading to realistic expectations and, ultimately, a better relationship today.

Keys to Overcoming People-Pleasing

So, moving on to how to stop being a people-pleaser.

If you made it this far, you are already on the way to breaking free from people-pleasing.

I hope by now you have learned to observe how irrational and unattainable the quest people-pleasers go after. We want to make others happy, we want to satisfy their needs or expectations when in reality we will never have the ability to do so. The truth of the matter is that trying to please people is like pouring into a broken vase. It is never-ending. The only people who will ever be pleased by you are the ones who have already been able to fix that vase, cover the cracks, and have already filled themselves up so they know and understand the value, and the effort that it takes and so they gratefully receive and appreciate what you have to give.

The sooner this sinks in, the happier, healthier relationships you will be able to have.

And you need to understand this goes both ways. No amount of praise, recognition or acceptance of people will ever fill your cup. You need to learn to fill up yourself too. You need to let God fix your vase, cover the cracks, and let His love which is everlasting and infinite fill you. Because if you don’t, you will also never be fully satisfied. You will, sooner or later, meet enough people to realize that you won’t be liked by everyone, not everyone will agree with you, and no matter how much you try to change that, you will never be able to make broken people happy.

Now, as a compassionate being that I believe you probably are, you might not be able to wrap your head around the idea of just dismissing people because they’re broken. I mean, you’re broken too, if not, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t want people to give up on you, why would you do that to someone else?

As I’ve mentioned a couple of times already, what people-pleasers need the most, besides Jesus, is to learn to set boundaries.

How do you set boundaries? First, you need a firm identity. You need to understand what are your values, and what you stand for –and you can always develop this as you continue to grow. The second thing is you need to learn to defend those values and say no.

Saying no is hard for me, so I get it.

That’s why setting boundaries is hard. It’s scary because you might get backlash when you do.

Another experience that comes to my mind is with one of my closest friends. She called me horrible things when I set boundaries with her for the first time. When I established to myself that I did not want to continue enabling toxic behavior, I was no longer okay with guilt-tripping nor with continuing to give attention that was only reinforcing destructive behaviors. When I established that I was already a good friend, that I continually poured out, that I have done my best, and that this is who I am, this is what I have to give, this is what I can handle. That clarity is why I was able to establish boundaries for the first time because I got in tune with what I stand for, and with who I am. And I understood that, although not perfect, what I have to give is still valuable. And if it is not enough for you, that is not MY problem.

Matthew 7:6-7 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

The beautiful thing about boundaries is that they will help you weed out the pigs.

After I’ve set boundaries I have had people simply dismiss me, get offended, paint me as a villain with no merit whatsoever, and so I’ve parted ways with them.

I’ve also had people respect those boundaries, and be totally fine with it. Like, no issue at all, whatsoever. Which has been shocking for me sometimes. I think I’ve been traumatized by so many toxic people that I attracted with my people-pleasing and, as I am in this process of recovery, I am now attracting normal, healthy people, and it’s like this whole new world… of peace. It’s fantastic.

I’ve also had people do both. I still have a relationship with this friend who said horrible things to me after I set boundaries. She did get offended and dismissed me, but just as I am recovering from my own toxicity, which is the people-pleasing, so is she.

And here is something great about this experience and might be what I will be closing this letter with. As I stated, a reason why I was able to stand firm with setting a boundary with this friend, is because I realized that my friend had gotten used to first, using guilt-tripping to get people’s attention and second, using self-harm to get people’s attention. And when I say self-harm I don’t necessarily mean physically harming yourself, but to me, self-harm is also partaking in destructive behavior, self-sabotage, and constantly placing yourself in situations that would paint you as a victim so people can take pity on you. And I realized I was enabling that by giving her that attention. I was helping her destroy her life.

So this is what will determine if your people-pleasing is simply a manifestation of your own selfishness or if it’s just simply that no one taught you how to love and serve better.

When I set this boundary with my friend so I could stop enabling her destructive behavior, I knew I had a high risk of her getting mad at me. I knew I was taking a risk of losing that friendship. At that moment, I had to make a decision: Do I care more about my friend, or do I care more about being liked? Am I going to act from a place of love, or am I going to act from a place of fear?

Sometimes we are so focused on wanting to please people, that we lose sight of how we can actually serve people.

This whole experience taught me how to love better. The anxiety and shame I would often feel by wondering if I was being a good friend or not, suddenly dissipated. I KNEW I was doing what was best, not only for me or the relationship but for her. I was finally aligned with what I stand for and what believe in, which is to grow, to seek for better.

So after a few days of being blocked, we eventually met, we had a conversation, and apologies were made, but the boundaries remained. And we’re slowly learning to have a relationship that is not founded on entitlement, guilt or shame; but it is founded on real love and mutual respect.

Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10)

And that’s why at the beginning, I stated that the issue of people-pleasing is that it keeps you and the people you are trying to serve from reaching your full potential.

So to summarize, how do you get over people-pleasing:

• Seek clarity in your identity, your values, and what you stand for
• Practice establishing boundaries
• Learn to say no
• Understand that just because you use candor, it doesn’t mean you don’t care
• Understand that some people might not be ready to grow with you, or won’t see value in what you have to offer within your boundaries and that it’s okay to walk away.

Mat 10:14 “And whoever shall not receive you or hear your words, shake off the dust of your feet when you depart from that house, or that city.”

This is a broad topic and there are so many things to discuss and expand on. If there is anything in particular that you’d want me to dive deeper into please let me know and we can definitely look into that.

For now, that is it. I really hope that this post helps you and that it is a stepping stone for you to also start having healthier relationships, less anxiety, less overthinking, more confidence in who you are and the value of what you have to give, and more peace.